Anne Learns To Recruit

Yes, this is a parody. However, there are truths here that should not be ignored. If you are now, or expect to become, involved with recruitment, read this and take heed ...

Harry? Hi! It's Anne. Anne Frazer, up in development. How's it going?

You wouldn't believe how busy we are down here, Anne, what with all the people leaving and us having to conduct exit interviews. And of course we get asked to help recruit replacements too. But anyway, what can I do for you?

Well, Harry, I'm not going to make your life any easier, I guess. I need four more programmers. Yesterday.

OK, tell me what you're looking for and I'll see what we can find for you. But I warn you, there's a real skills shortage out there: it may take a while.

OK, what I'm looking for is easy. We're got a pretty dynamic environment in the department. New projects, new technologies, and new application domains, everything's up for grabs. So I'm looking for really flexible people, people with a broad background who can pick things up quickly. Our developers work with the end users, so they need people skills, and they need to have the smarts to recognise new opportunities as they present themselves. I need team players, but not a bunch of clones. I want to experiment with putting a wild card or two in the group and see how it shakes things up. Can you find these people for me?

No problems, but I need more details. What language will these folks be using?

That's hard to say. We use a few. Ideally, I want people who can pick up languages as needed, and who have a good solid background in two or three major ones.

That doesn't help, Anne. I need to put a language down on the form. What language would these people be using if they joined today?

Well, the current project is in C++ ...

OK, so I'll put down C++.

.... but I know the next is in Java and Javascript.

So, what do I put down? C++, Java, or Javascript?

I have to choose one?

Anne, be reasonable. You can't advertise for people with current skills in more than one language: you can only write in one language at a time. Shall I put C++?

I suppose so.

Now, platform. We need to advertise the platform they'll be using.

Well, we do most of our development on Windows, but there's some Linux-based server work.

Linux? We don't want to advertise that. You'll end up with a bunch of hippies. Windows is good. Which one: 95, 98, NT, ME, 2000, XP, or Vista?

Umm.. Well most of our applications run on all of those.

But Anne, you have to understand that you're hiring specialists. To a specialist, there's a world of difference between Windows NT and Windows 2000. You won't get a specialist if you just say "Windows". So, what's it to be? How about Windows Vista? That's new.

Well, I'm not sure. We still have all those other operating systems and Linux to consider.

Anne...

OK, OK, put Windows Vista then. Whatever you say.

Great! Now tools. You said C++, so I suppose we need people with Visual C++ experience. What about databases, frameworks, and so on? Be as specific as possible: that'll help us get you just the right people.

I guess some of our projects use Oracle, and in the past we've used MQ Series, and some Visibroker.

Excellent, this is beginning to look good. What versions of Oracle and Visibroker?

8.1.5 and 4.5.

OK, I've got what I need. I'll start rattling the bushes and place an ad or two and see who's out there.

A week later...

Looking for highly motivated developers
to work in dynamic environment. Must have
4 years C++ and extensive Windows Vista.
Oracle 8.1.5, MQ Series, and Visibroker 4.5
required.

Three weeks later...

Harry? Anne again. I was wondering: we still haven't seen any people to fill those jobs.

Anne, we've had two or three in, but they've all failed the interviews. One claimed to know C++, but couldn't tell us the procedure for disabling auto-completion in Visual C++. He didn't get past the first interview. Another guy came in in jeans. Jeans! To an interview. I know we're a casual environment, but really. Shame, he looked good on paper too. One girl made it to the third interview, but we had to fail her when she asked if we'd give her a half day every two weeks to work on her MBA. So, still no luck. It's proving to be really hard to find people with exactly the skills you asked for.
Like I told you, there's a skills shortage out there.

A week later...
Three weeks later...

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Anne Learns To Recruit

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